


brother mine

by SidewaysClarinet



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Angst With A Bittersweet Ending, Ao no Exorcist Manga Spoilers, Bad Handling of Trauma, Body Horror, Character Death, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Improper Use of a Dead Body, Intentional Worsening of Trauma, Okumura Yukio Centric, Possession of a Dead Body, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Horror, Psychological Trauma, please please please heed tags and content warnings!, this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:55:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25738396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidewaysClarinet/pseuds/SidewaysClarinet
Summary: Okumura Yukio is 18 years old, and he is a murderer.Of course, no one will call him that. 'You did the world a favor', they tell him. 'Got rid of the pest', they tell him. 'He wasn't human, so it doesn't count, not really', they tell him. He was the good boy, who saved the world from his no good, waste of space, demon spawn brother.But he is a murderer. And he knows that this is his penance.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miwa Konekomaru/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Comments: 59
Kudos: 127





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is an idea that came to me in the Discord server, and I figured it would be a fun little thing to write in my downtime working on 'through rose colored glasses'! This fic will have shorter chapters than rose glasses, and might be inconsistent in updates and chapter lengths. This fic is just for fun, after all, so I won't be straining myself to make it look super pretty and correct.
> 
> I will say though, this fic is much darker than rose glasses, and the content is heavily dark themed and possibly triggering. Please make sure to pay attention to the tags, and content warnings as I write them each chapter. I will be thorough with these warnings, even if they happen to spoil chapters, because the last thing I would want is for someone to get hurt or triggered from reading this. If you are fine with the tags and don't need content warnings, or don't have triggers and would like to avoid spoilers, simply skip over these content warnings! Better safe than sorry, though. 
> 
> Having said that, I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> chapter warnings: major character death (Rin, if you couldn't tell by the tags), naga attack and snake poisoning, gore and description of injury, descriptions of panic attacks.

Yukio is about two and a half minutes from losing his patience. He is very familiar with the feeling of losing his patience, and exactly what tends to shorten or lengthen it, which is how he knows that he is going to lose it in approximately two minutes, twenty-six seconds, twenty-five, twenty-four...

Rin is sent hurtling across the gymnasium for what has to be the fifth time in the past half hour, and Yukio is briefly so stunned by his brother's idiocy that he doesn't even have the words to reprimand him, he just stares. He stares at the undignified heap of useless brother as Rin pulls himself up to his feet, spitting out a mouthful of blood and wiping his ever-lengthening white hair out of his eyes. He only grins at the monstrous naga across the room from him, entirely too prepared to duke it out with the beast again, even as the naga hisses at him in response.

"Nii-san!" He snaps, trying to keep his irritation under control- the fresh exwires-turned-exorcists are behind him, after all. "This is a training simulation, not a brawl!"

"Relax, Yukio! I got this!" Rin calls back up. His fists are blazing, and Yukio just knows deep down that no, Rin does not have this, and in fact, he likely doesn't even have any plan to handle the demon beyond beating the thing near to death.

As per usual, his brother has not changed at all since he was a child.

He watches, and simultaneously resists the urge to cover his eyes, as Rin once again charges at the naga, fists held high and brain utterly empty. The beast's tail hurtles across the ground, slams into his brother's stomach hard enough to crack ribs on a normal human, but then Rin wraps both arms around its tail and grunts as he lifts it up. The naga hisses once more, uselessly writhing as he manages to send it careening into the wall. The beast is disoriented, and because Rin relies on nothing but his demonic strength, his hands snap to the katana strapped to his belt.

"That dumbass is already about to break the rules," Suguro snorts from behind him. The rest of their cohort chuckle fondly, but Yukio can't find the humor in it. They had all completed their own training rounds with incredible results, and yet, once again, Rin has yet to complete his own because he is too drawn up in toying with the naga.

"Nii-san, leave your sword be," He calls, sighing.

Rin's ears twitch towards him, and his head turns. "What?"

"Leave your sword-"

"Watch out!"

Quick as lightning, the naga darts forward. It attacks faster than Rin can turn back around, and his strangled shout rings out in the gymnasium as the demon's jaw snaps shut around his abdomen. Yukio's eyes widen as the sickening sound of fangs piercing flesh reaches him, but his hands are on his guns, and he fires at the naga's face. Its screech is muffled around Rin's body, but then he bursts into bright blue flames, and it lets him go only to rear back and hurtle towards the opposite end of the gym.

"I've got the verse!" Miwa calls, and the cohort scatters across the deck to work at exorcising the naga before it can do more damage.

Rin is already on his feet again, but he's panting and pale, clutching his stomach as blood drips a stream from beneath his fingers. Yukio can see his eyes glued to the naga, who's wounds are already healing, and recognizes the stance that always comes before his brother throws himself head first into danger.

"Don't move!" He shouts, but Rin is not looking at him. He scowls, raises his voice louder. "Movement quickens the poison! Be still and wait for help!"

He knows his twin can heal from the puncture wounds, but that's the part he's concerned about. He'll heal, sealing the poison in place for it to wrack its way through his body before his immune system can expel it. Rin could heal, yes, but it would be an arduous recovery, one that wouldn't be necessary at all if he would just stay still!

"I can still get it!" Yukio sees him reaching for the sword again, and he knows Rin won't stop until he's defeated the demon.

"Don't! Let your teammates handle it!" He yells. It's a useless effort- even as Miwa starts chanting and Suguro readies his bazooka, Rin sucks in an audible breath and takes a step forward.

He lets out a groan, then pulls his gun up once more. A shot cracks through the room, rips a hole through his brother's hair and into his head, as he'd done plenty of times before. It's a familiar motion, as morbid as it sounds, but sometimes the only way to stop Rin is to take him out of the fight to begin with. His body drops to the floor, and Yukio turns back to the fight. Creeping vines from Shiemi's familiar hold the naga in place as Suguro's verse-strengthened explosives rip it to pieces. Then, Miwa finishes the verse, and the naga disappears with one last, ringing screech.

"Whoo! Team work!" Shima whoops, throwing his hands up in the air.

Kamiki's retort is as sharp as her expression. "Like you did anything!"

"Um, I was giving emotional support," Shima counters, grinning. "And I didn't see you doing anything either."

"That's-!"

"Shima-san, please," Miwa makes his way back over to them, expression reprimanding. "The naga is gone, let's be done with it."

He only whines, utterly undignified. "But she started it!"

Yukio allows himself to smile a bit at that. It's still odd, to be working with his student once more after the Illuminati fiasco, but after two years, they're beginning to adjust into somewhat of a routine. Shima's immaturity is almost as exhausting as Rin's, at times, but at least he knows that he won't have to constantly keep an eye on the ex-spy in every fight. He's smart and accomplished enough to handle himself, which is more than what Yukio can say for his brother.

"Uh, Okumura-sensei?" Suguro calls. "Is Okumura okay?"

"You don't have to keep calling me sensei, you're all exorcists now," Yukio chides, tucking his guns back into their holsters. "And nii-san is fine, he'll be waking up any second now. My concern at this point is how to best remove the poison before it can be circulated."

But his student isn't reassured, and only looks at him uneasily. "He doesn't look too good."

Well, perhaps healing from both a gunshot and a massive snake bite would take him a minute, Yukio thinks to himself as he crosses the observation deck towards the edge. It's an interesting development to see a delay in Rin's healing, if he were to be honest. Rin's abilities were still largely unexplored (not for lack of trying, on Yukio's part), and with that, his healing. The venom might also complicate it somewhat. He wondered how long it might take Rin to heal from that, and what repercussions it might have on his health, if any.

He glances over the railing to see Rin still crumpled on the ground, eyes wide and mouth agape as he bleeds sluggishly onto the ground. Yukio frowns, and hooks a leg over the railing to start climbing down the latter into the lower portion of the gymnasium. His shoes clack against the ground as he steps closer, and over the pool of blood to crouch at Rin's side.

He can hear the sound of his former students clambering down the latter, but he fixes his eyes on his brother. There are gaping holes in his abdomen, the skin around them bloody and shredded and torn. There is blood and gun residue caking the hair to the side of his head, and though his eyes are wide, they are dull.

Well, that alone isn't concerning. Yukio has shot Rin before, and seen him in a similar state. He reaches a hand down to his brother's wrist, holding it between his fingers. He pauses for a few seconds, focusing on the feeling of Rin's pulse.

It isn't there.

His frown deepens. The blood loss must be worse than he expected. He reaches his hand up to Rin's neck instead, pressing fingers against the skin beneath his jaw.

It isn't there either.

"That can't be right," He murmurs. Yukio moves his hand to the other side of his neck, but there is nothing. A hand against Rin's chest- nothing. There is no pulse. He blanks, the thoughts falling from his mind. There is no pulse. Why is there no pulse?

"Yuki-chan?" Comes Shiemi's tentative voice. "Is he okay?"

"He's not healing," Shima murmurs.

"He's fine," Yukio blurts. Rin is fine. In just a few seconds, his heartbeat will come back, and he will heal, and he will be fine. But he waits, and he watches, and he feels Rin's wrist, and there is nothing. "...get an AED."

"What?"

"Get an AED!" He snaps. There is a flurry of motion behind him, but he's already rolling up his sleeves, lacing his fingers together. He presses his palm to Rin's chest, and it's only years of training that carry him through the growing buzz of panic and fear in his ears. Yukio presses down with his weight, quick, practiced. One, two, three...

Rin's ribs crack beneath his hands, and he doesn't stop. An AED is dropped by his side, and he doesn't stop. A medical team swarms in, and he doesn't stop.

He can't give up. He can't stop.

Rin is fine. Rin is fine. Rin is fine.

Arms wrap themselves around his waist and suddenly he's yanked back. His eyes are still glued to Rin- lifeless, unmoving, a still body on the floor in the middle of a team of True Cross-brand EMTs and paramedics. There's someone talking to him, someone shaking him, but all he can see is Rin. Even when his eyes blur, when he can't get a breath in, all he can see is Rin.

"Clear!"

Rin's body seizes, and is still again. They shock him again, a third time. His brother is still.

"What happened, anyways?" An exorcist beside him asks, tone light and airy.

"Guess that brother of his finally put him down," Another one laughs. "Good riddance, I say. Time of death, doc?"

Time of death? No. No, no, nonono. He writhes in the arms holding him, throwing an elbow out and snarling when they refuse to let him go.

"He's fine!" Yukio hisses. "He's fine! He's alive!"

"Okumura-sensei," Suguro's voice vibrates against his back, and Shiemi holds a hand to his chest, red eyed and stifling sobs.

A frantic feeling of anger explodes in his chest. "Stop it! He's alive, let me go!"

"He's gone-"

"He's not! He's fine! _Nii-san!"_

But Suguro is sinking down to the floor, and he pulls Yukio down with him, arms tight. He digs nails into Suguro's arms and tries to yank himself free, breaths quick, the stinging of tears in his eyes. Rin's not dead. He's not. He's not! He growls out, near animalistic, but Suguro holds him still until the floor of adrenaline drops from beneath him.

He goes limp, arms shaking and vision blurry. He can't see Rin anymore. His body is gone somewhere, out of sight, and the realization drags a harsh sob from his mouth. Yukio doubles over, pressing his hands tight to his mouth. There are hands on his arms, hands on his back, hands on his head.

They aren't Rin's. None of them are Rin's.

And never in his life, did he think that would make him scream like it did. 


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the repost! I fucked the chapter up and had to re-upload it, my apologies.

Rin is not meant to be still.

Yukio sits in a chair of plastic, with red eyes and a dry mouth, and it's all he can think about. That Rin- pale, stitched up, and motionless -is not meant to be still. He should be alive. He should be recklessly charging into danger with a smile. He should be lighting up the room with his laughter. But he is not.

He is pale, stitched up, and motionless.

He looks over his brother's features, like it's the first (and probably last) time he'll ever see them. Thick, white brows. Pale lashes. Cheekbones that always seemed just a bit too sharp. He looks over his brother's features, and the parts that don't quite fit. The flecks of blood that didn't quite get washed out. The lump of stitches under his hospital gown. The ghastly purple hue of his veins. He looks over his brother's features, and he hates himself so much that the tears start to fall again.

The hand on his shoulder is not one that he wants, but he doesn't have the energy to push it away. After a second, it lifts on his own, and a figure crouches down next to him. It's Shura, and her eyes are on Rin.

"How are you holdin' up?" She asks. It's a stupid question, and they both know it. It falls flat between them. "...this wasn't yer fault, Yukio."

"It was," He murmurs.

"Ya didn't know it would kill him."

"I didn't know if he'd survive it, either."

There was nothing she could say to fix any of this. Okumura Yukio is 18 years old, and he murdered his own twin brother.

It's quiet once again. He doesn't want to speak, and she doesn't try to. The only movement in the room is that of Shura shifting to sit on the floor, and then they are both still. A few minutes pass before she reaches a hand up to hold his, clenched so tight and for so long in his lap that the red crescent marks left behind by his nails have already scabbed over.

There had been other people there, over the past two days. Doctors. Lawyers. Exorcists. The Paladin, and Arc Knights. His former students. The priests, from the monastery. They had a routine down, the who, what, when, where- everything. He'd repeated the story so many times that he could do so without thinking, he'd accepted so many condolences and apologies that they blurred together.

He knew where the priests were now, where his former students were. He knew they were with the Grigori, fighting tooth and nail for Rin to be cremated properly and put with their father. Yukio could do nothing but sit, cry, and pray to Shiro for forgiveness that he didn't deserve.

When the tears finally fall over, he doesn't try to stop them. One splatters against Shura's hand, and her fingers squeeze him reassuringly. He tries to find comfort in it, but he can't, knowing that Rin's blood is on his hands.

"Have you tried the sword?

"Don't," He whispers, letting his eyes slip shut. "Please."

"It could work," She argues.

Shura lets his hands go and stands from the floor, and he can hear her shoes against the tile as she crosses the room. Kurikara was standing in the corner, left abandoned. He opens his eyes as she picks it up and unsheathes it, and he can't help the faint glimmer of hope that pops up. But, as he expected, no flames come forth. The bare blade is dull and lacking its typical blaze, only a regular, empty sword now.

"I don't..." Shura's brow furrows.

"He's dead," Yukio says. "Demon heart and all."

"But his demon heart's brought him back before, right?" She counters, squinting down at the sword. "When you-"

-when Yukio broke it for the first time. She doesn't need to say it aloud, he already knows. The middle of the sword is still warped from where Rin had melted and shoved the two halves back together, a weak section. It was useless for a sword, but it protected his heart well enough. They were planning on finding a replacement, before his death.

"If it were possible, it would have happened by now," Is all he says.

"Well, it just needs a little elbow grease," Shura holds the sword up over her leg, and Yukio's eyes widen as he realizes what she's doing.

_"No!"_ He shouts, but it's too late. Shura drives the weak section over her knee, and the sword breaks in half with a sharp crack. Afterwards, there is nothing- no fire, no explosion, and no Rin. He scowls at her, anger breaking through the numbness that had settled over him for days. "Are you happy now? As if the Myo Dha need more reason to dislike us!"

She frowns, and goes to speak again when something sparks above Rin's chest. They both freeze, turning wide eyes down to his brother's body. A beat of tension, and then another spark. Something brighter, something blue. The halves of the swords clatter against the ground as Shura drops them, while Yukio surges from his seat to hover by Rin. There is something crackling across his brother's body, growing in brightness and intensity until they're both squinting through the light.

The light disappears, and Rin's eyes are open.

"It worked?" Shura whispers, amazed.

Rin blinks once, twice, three times. His pupils grow and dilate, and horror starts to dawn on him as his brother's irises shift and warp into something too familiar. _Satan._

Not-Rin sits up slowly, hands braced against the table to push himself up. Shura is faster than him, and in a flash, she's in front of Yukio, reaching back to pull one of the guns from his waist. She pushes him behind her and trains a gun on Not-Rin warily, while he watches over the top of her head.

"Who are you?" She demands. "And don't get any funny ideas!"

Shura keeps her gun steadily aimed at Not-Rin's face, as he continues to blink. The muscles of his face twitch oddly before he raises a hand up, moving each finger jerkily until the movements become smoother. A full-body shiver wracks his brother's body, and Not-Rin's eyes close. When they open once more, his eyes are brighter, and his expression cracks and slides into a grin.

"Heh," His voice sounds like rocks and nails, and sends a shiver up Yukio's spine. "Hehe, haha! Finally! It's mine!"

The trigger clicks, and he wants to vomit. "Hey! Don't make me ask again, freak."

"I'm not Satan, if that's what you were hoping," The Not-Rin says, a wide grin splitting his face as he stares down at his hands. It dawns on Yukio, then- he knows who the demon is.

"You're Rin's other half," He says aloud.

"Bingo," His brother's possessed body stretches his arms far above his head, and lets out a groan as bones pop and crack in ways that they shouldn't. When he relaxes again, he looks over at Yukio, and his eyes widen. The grin turns feral. "You, I remember you. You're his little brother, aren't you?"

He doesn't say anything, doesn't respond to the demon. Shura shifts in front of him, turning a scowl back at Yukio.

"Is anyone gonna tell me what the hell is goin' on?" Her expression is frustrated.

But the demon is the one who responds to her question, as he runs a hand over the side of his head. "Sure thing. How about a trade, huh? I tell you who I am, you tell me how he died."

The words send a cold shiver down his spine. He's told the story multiple times, and yet for some reason, now, the words are stuck in his throat. The demon doesn't seem to care, only shaking his head as blue horns sprout up from his forehead and his ears lengthen. A ripple seems to travel down his body, before he turns back to them.

"You first," Shura says, warily. Her gun arm begins to lower, just a fraction.

"Hm? Ah, fine," The demon shrugs. "I'm his demon half, essentially."

"Rin was an unstable nephilim," Yukio finds himself saying. "His demon and human halves fractured into separate consciousnesses and identities."

He grins, and his teeth are sharper now. "Yep! I'm the manifestation of his anger, his rage, everything he buried for years. I'm the more fun half, if you ask me, but all he ever wanted to do was keep me away," His eyes widen, glowing an unearthly blue. "Too bad that it's my body, now. So, who do I have to thank?"

"...me," The words feel like acid in his mouth. "I shot him."

The doctors had explained it. Rin could have healed the bite wounds, or stopped the naga venom, but it was the gunshot that did him in. Without his brain to coordinate healing, the venom and blood loss was catastrophic. It was a theory, they assured him, one built on the partial healing of the gunshot wound but the untouched naga wounds. Their eyes had been sympathetic, words gentle, but Yukio knew that _guilty_ would forever be engraved into his soul.

"You-" The demon blinks at him. Then, as the seconds passed, his smile widens and widens, before he barks out a laugh. "Ha! Haha! You actually admitted it! Heeheehee!"

Shura's arm falls completely, and they watch as he cackles and laughs until he's doubled over himself, clutching at his stomach. It's a long minute until his giggling dies down, and he wipes at imaginary tears.

"Ohhh God, that just made my whole life," The demon gasps out. "I already knew that, four eyes."

"Then why the hell'd you ask?" Shura snaps.

He glances up at them, still smiling. "Um, because it's funny? I didn't think he'd actually say it, but damn, hoo! That's good shit!"

Yukio decides that he hates this version of Rin.

"You can't have it," He says. "His body. Leave. Now."

"What? Are you kidding me?" Like lightning, the demon's smile drops into a scowl. "Even if I could, hell no. This is _my_ body now."

"Whaddya mean, 'if you could'?"

He gives her a dirty look. "Did you miss the whole, other half thing? This is as much my body as it was his, it's not like I can vacate it just because the crybaby doesn't want to look at the brother he murdered."

Yukio swallows- he deserved that.

The demon looks up at him, eyes sinister and mischievous. "Aww, I hit a sore spot?"

Before either of them could answer, he swings his legs off of the metal table Rin's body had been laid on. He stands on wobbly feet, and dodges around Shura to make a beeline for Yukio. The demon's clawed hands dig into his arm, leaning damn near his entire weight onto him as he turns a wild grin up at Yukio.

"What'd he look like when he died, huh?" The demon asks, voice a conspiratorial whisper. "Was it something like this?"

And then, the light in the demon's eyes goes out, and Rin's body collapses limply in his arms. Yukio chokes on a gasp- he can see Rin's blank eyes, the blood, the holes in his abdomen. His knees buckle and then both he and the body are sent to the floor. He scrambles back and away, a cry trapped in his throat.

Then, Shura has Rin's body by the collar, yanking him away as the light comes back into his eyes and the demon returns. Yukio watches as he cackles, even as she shoves him up against the wall and presses the barrel of the gun to his throat.

"Don't do that again," He can hear her hiss out through the heartbeat roaring in his ears.

"Or what?" The demon asks, snickering. "You'll put another bullet hole in his body? Better be careful, dead bodies decay faster~"

Shura grits her teeth, then drops him with a disgusted look, backing away from him. She turns away from him and towards Yukio, instead, and he looks up at her as she reaches an arm down. He tries to still the shaking in his hand as he takes her arm, and she pulls him up, shifting her hand to instead circle around his back and hold him close. Any other time, he'd be irritated to be coddled, but now, her touch feels like a lifeline and he clings to it.

"Anyways, better get used to me."

The demon stands to his feet, cracking his neck with a grin.

"'Cuz I'm not going anywhere."


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I had intended to post this yesterday, but thinks got very busy, my apologies! I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> chapter warnings: self depreciation, self hatred (typical Yukio things), as well as psychological abuse and bullying, and misuse of a dead body (typical Demon!Rin things).

Mephisto leaned his chin onto his palm, expression unreadable. "First things first, we simply cannot keep calling you Rin. We will need a different name to differentiate the two of you."

"Why the hell not?" The demon frowns, next to Yukio, crossing his arms. He's sprawled across one of Mephisto's fancy chairs, in a way so similar to Rin that it makes it hard to breathe for a second. Then, he speaks, and the image is broken. "It's my body, too. That's my name as much as it was his."

"Because it's only a matter of time until we have to break the news of your existence to the rest of the world, and I don't intend on complicating things by using the same name for the same person, yet separate identities," Mephisto says, dryly.

That thought is one Yukio hadn't considered yet. Getting the demon to Mephisto's office was a trial and a half on its own, but introducing him to their cohort, the Order, the Grigori? It won't go well, he knows- in fact, he's almost praying that it won't. He knows the Grigori won't approve of an unknown entity taking Rin's body, and if he's lucky, they just might make the decision to exorcise him. Then, Rin's body would finally be put to rest.

"Okumura-sensei."

The call of his name startles him from his thoughts, and he looks up to see Mephisto looking at him. "Pardon?"

"I asked for suggestions for a name replacement," He repeats, mouth curling up. It's a familiar expression, and yet something about it seems different.

Yukio wonders if Mephisto holds Rin's death against him. He never knows exactly what the demon king is thinking, but these days, he sees even less of Mephisto's true thoughts. Whatever understanding Yukio had of him seemed to be null.

He brushes the thoughts aside, and looks to the demon, expression blank. "No. I have no suggestions."

"I'd complain about cruel treatment from a brother, but I guess I'm getting it easy, huh?" The demon snickers. "I think I should get a cool name. Like, hmm... Amaterasu."

"Too long, and too..." Mephisto gives a distasteful frown, waving his hand. "Tacky."

The demon huffs. "Fine. Then what about Rinka?"

Yukio feels his stomach drop, and though the demon is smirking, he's looking over at Mephisto. He knows damn well what he's doing.

"Rinka," He says again. "It's what our mom used to call our dad, before he was Satan and she kicked the bucket."

Mephisto nods. "I'm aware. It's what your... initial name was based off of, if I recall correctly."

"Yep. Same name, yet different enough to make everyone happy," The demon grins. Yukio looks away, but he can feel eyes boring into the side of his head. It goes unsaid, that the name is similar enough to never let anyone forget what body he's inhabiting. It's a neon sign above his head, bright enough to illuminate all the shadowy spots Yukio was trying to hide.

He knows he deserves it. He knows it's the price for the blood on his hands.

_Just get the meeting over with,_ Yukio tells himself, as something prickly and panicky pulls at his skin. _Just hold it together long enough to get this over with._

"Well, if that's in order," Mephisto continues, folding his hands to rest in his lap. Yukio tries to glue his eyes to the wood details in the demon king's desk, counting the whorls of gold in the corners. "Then our next item on the itinerary is to determine what exactly it is that you, Rinka-kun, want from your time in Assiah."

"That's easy. I want to exist, fully and completely," Rinka- _is he really going to have to call the demon that now? -_ says, simply.

Mephisto raises an eyebrow. "I might have trouble selling such a vague goal to the Order."

"Are you really in a position to tell me no?" Rinka challenges him. "They need me, much more than I need them. I think I'm asking pretty little, compared to what I could be asking for."

"And how do they need you, exactly?" The demon king asks, looking unimpressed.

Rinka snickers. "Because I'm everything he was and more. I am his demonic heritage, the only thing that ever gave us any worth, and I have more control over it than he could ever hope for. I represent what Gehenna wants so desperately, yet I'm here, with the Order."

"True, but you certainly have no obligation to work with us," Mephisto counters. "Could it be that you're acting on Rin-kun's will, now that he's departed?"

"You could say that I _am_ his will, I guess. The emotions he didn't want to confront, the thoughts he had and abandoned, the..." Rinka glances at Yukio, and there's something bright and taunting in his eyes. "...grudges and grievances he gave up on. So yes, and no. I am what he didn't let himself be, and I'm gonna do whatever I want."

_Grudges? Grievances?_ Yukio looks at him, wide eyed. What did he mean by that?

Did Rin hate him?

The rest of the conversation continues on without him- he doesn't hear it. Their talking sounds warbled and echoed, and he can't make a damn word out beyond the static and cotton in his ears. He'd always known it was possible that Rin hated him, or at the very least, was angry with him. He needed it once, when he was desperate and bleeding and casting his suffering onto anyone who would take it. Rin had denied it, only smiled as he dragged Yukio back to the Order, and he'd forced himself to forget about it.

He'd left those thoughts behind for two years, but now, they're coming back. He can't stop thinking about it.

He needs to know.

Yukio blinks, and suddenly Rinka is on his feel and walking somewhere. He looks up onto to see that Mephisto has a console in his hand, completely enthralled in the screen, and he realizes that the meeting had ended. And Rinka was walking away.

He shoots up to his feet, scrambling around the chair to catch the door before it closes. "Where are you going?"

Rinka looks up, an eyebrow raised. "Uh, the dorm? I can't stay here all day."

"You know where it is?" Yukio asks, confused.

"Yes. Did you forget the whole, he and I shared a body, part? He may have been in control, but I still got to see whatever I wanted," He waves a hand.

Yukio hesitates- should he ask? "...how much do you know?"

The demon gives him a knowing look, and grins. "Everything."

Rinka turns to step closer to him, and Yukio's breath hitches in his throat as his brother's body looks back up at him. He's still the shorter one, by far. Yukio had gained a few inches over the year, but Rin had always stayed at his 5'6. _My growing is just delayed because I age slower than you all_ , he'd claimed, defensive and embarrassed.

But Rinka seems larger than his body, a looming presence like Rin never was.

"You have questions, don't you?" He asks, dangling the question in front of him like a lure.

Yukio knows he shouldn't take it, but he needs to. He has to.

"Did Rin hate me?"

The demon blinks, then snickers. "You really do want to know, right? Let me guess, your mental state depends on it, doesn't it? Because if he didn't, if he loved you, then you'd be forgiven, right? You wouldn't deserve it, of course, but you would know that you were forgiven."

Rinka steps forward, and Yukio backs away.

"But if he hated you, then you'd have the solace of knowing you got what you deserved. That even Rin, sweet, perfect Rin, didn't think so highly of you that he could forgive you for murdering him. It'd be your punishment."

His back hits the wall, and he tenses, skin crawling as the demon stops before him. The air is suffocating and crackling, like the moment just before a crack of lightning. Something screams at him to run away, to get out, but he's frozen in place. Rinka looks up at him, eyes bright and dangerous.

"That's what you want, right?" He murmurs. "The comfort of knowing. Either answer is a way forward, you just need an answer."

Yukio can't bring himself to speak. Rinka is right, of course. He can only get a nod out.

"Hmm," The demon leans back, hums, and turns away. "Nah. I don't wanna."

"What?" His jaw drops. "You can't be ser-"

"I am." Rinka calls back, already walking away.

"Why?" Yukio demands, scrambling to catch up with him. "Why not? I don't- please, I need-"

Rinka stops short, glancing over his shoulder. "Yep! Which is exactly why I'm not telling you. I like seeing you suffer."

He freezes, eyes wide. The demon wasn't joking, he can tell that much. All it does is send distress rocketing up his chest. Rinka has the answers, it would cost him nothing to tell Yukio! It was a yes or no!

"I will tell you one thing, though," He amends. "You wanna know how he felt, when he died? He was terrified. Scared out of his mind. He always was, whenever you shot him. He knew he'd heal, but every time, he was afraid. He could feel his body stitching back together, the numbness of near death, and all. He always wondered if he'd survive it. It was the same at the end, too.

"The gunshot healing, the holes in his stomach, the venom searing his veins, and then-"

Rinka's body falls limply on top of him, and he screams.


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So if you're following my tumblr, you already know this, but I was able to finish writing this fic the other day! All seven chapters are completed now, and since I don't have a posting schedule for this fic anyways, I decided it would be cool to just post a chapter a day until the full fic is posted! I may thrown in an epilogue, but for now, there are 7 total! I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> chapter warnings: PTSD dreams, slight emeto mention, character passes out

_"Nii-san, if you keep your grip that loose, you're going to drop it."_

_Yukio critically eyes his loose hand on the pistol- he can tell just by looking at Rin's grip that one shot is going to send the gun flying out of his hands. His brother blinks, then reaches a hand up to pull one of the headphones off of his ear._

_"What?" He asks._

_Yukio sighs. Well, it was his fault for trying to talk to Rin with his ears covered. "Your grip is too loose."_

_"Oh!" Rin's eyes widen in realization, then his expression promptly turns pitiful. "But the sound is loud as hell! And it jumps back when it fires, anyways, it hurts my elbow."_

_"If you don't hold it tight enough, it'll kick back right out of your hands," Yukio explains to him. He reaches a hand up to Rin's own, squeezing his brother's fingers tighter onto the gun. "There. The elbow hurt is just something you get used to."_

_"Says you," Rin pouts._

_He raises an eyebrow. "You were the one who wanted to learn in the first place. But, if you want, we can just stop for to-"_

_"No! I got this!" Rin drops a hand to put his headphones back into place, pushing his protective glasses further up his nose. Yukio can't help the hint of a smile that pulls at his lips, but he pushes it down and instead returns his own headphones to his ears. The crack of the gun was one he was used to, but in this indoor shooting range, it could be deafening even for him._

_He watches critically as Rin grips the gun, squinting down the sights to the target. His brother was waiting for the go-ahead, something that Yukio verbally beat into him before he let him even pick up a gun. He nudges Rin's stance wider, then steps back and nods for him to continue. He sucks in a breath, and as he squeezes the trigger, the explosion of the bullet rings out._

_Yukio glances down the range to see that the corner of the target had been clipped off, and as he pulls off his headphones, Rin's excited shouting reaches his ears._

_"I got it!" He cheers, pumping a fist in the air. "Look! I hit the target this time!"_

_"Barely," Yukio says, but Rin's excitement is contagious enough for even him to feel it._

_Rin grins up at him, pulling his headphones off. "But I'm closer than I was!"_

_"That's true," He agrees, smiling._

_His brother hands him the pistol, and he slips his headphones back into place as he takes it. The heavy feeling of the gun in his hands is familiar, routine. He turns to the target, checking the sights, before his eyes focus on the end of the range._

_Rin stands in front of the target._

_He drops the gun immediately, eyes wide. "Nii-san, what the hell are you doing?"_

_Rin looks up from the monastery floor, Shiro's corpse in his arms and blue flames flickering on his body._

_"What do you mean?" His twin asks. "It's your turn, stupid. Even a genius like you has to practice, right?"_

_Yukio backs away, eyes wide, but then everything blurs and suddenly there's the sound of a helicopter behind him, its' roaring drowning out all other noise. Rin is on the ground, holes in his head, neck, chest. His eyes are wide, betrayal and hurt written across his expression, but when he speaks, his voice is clear, affectionate._

_"But I guess you've already been practicing for years, huh?"_

_His brother looks up at him from the ground, hair white and exorcist coat torn and frayed. He realizes that the armumahel guns are in his hands, the barrel trained on Rin's head._

_"You're already perfect at it."_

_His pistol is in hand, pointed at Rin's unsuspecting face as the naga roars from the other end of the room. The moment seems frozen in time- if he squints, he can even see the droplets of blood hovering in the air from where they drip from the snake wound. He feels a body curled around his back, and a clawed hand reaches down his arm to steady his grip on the pistol._

_"You don't even have to think about it," Rinka murmurs into his ear. "Just shoot."_

_Rinka's hand is firm on his own, but in the end, it's Yukio who pulls the trigger._

* * *

He seizes awake with a gasp, and the same as every night before, feels nausea come racketing up his throat.

Yukio leans over the side of the bed where the trashcan he'd laid out the night before sat, and feels his throat catch on a dry heave. His stomach revolts against him violently, but today, there is nothing left to come back up. His stomach is empty, and his eyes are damp as he lets himself fall back into bed. His eyes are blurry with a mix of tears and his normal, terrible eyesight, and he forces down the urge to cry.

He doesn't have time for it today. They have an appointment with the Grigori, after all.

It's reluctantly that he forces himself out of bed. Not for want of more sleep (as if he can even get more than a few hours in between vivid nightmares), but because of the figure he can see waiting in the corner of the room.

"Sleep well?" Rinka asks. The look on his face makes it blatantly obvious that he already knows the answer, and is just throwing salt into the wound.

But... Yukio thinks that maybe he deserves it. It certainly doesn't compare to the hurtful things he's said to Rin in the past, and he's sure Rinka knows that as well. This is just penance, in a way. A sentence to serve out during his time on earth.

"You just gonna keep zoning out, or can we get a move on?" Rinka taps his foot impatiently on the floor. "We do have somewhere to be."

It's something he's not used to- being the last to wake up. He was always up and ready before Rin, but now he can feel the demon's eyes at the back of his head as he forces himself into his typical uniform, and into the bathroom. He brushes his teeth, combs his hair, tries to rub some semblance of awakeness and awareness into his face.

Yukio looks at himself in the mirror, and sees bruises scored deep beneath his eyes. It's not an attractive look. Even he can see how half-dead he looks, but there's nothing he can do about it, even if he had the energy.

With that done, he leaves the bathroom, and makes his way over to where Rinka is waiting. It was a meeting with the Grigori that they were currently on their way to, and it would be severely frowned upon if they were late, but he still didn't quite understand why the demon was so eager to leave. The chances of the Grigori ordering the exorcism of Rinka form his brother's body were extremely high, if not guaranteed.

Unless... they weren't?

"You possess all of the abilities that Okumura did?" The feminine one asks, as Yukio watches on in stunned silence.

Rinka stands at the pulpit surrounded by exorcists on all sides, yet completely at ease. "Essentially. I have more control over them than he ever could've achieved in a reasonable time. It's more like he only borrowed his flames and all from me, meanwhile, I _am_ the flames."

"But not the very same ones that Satan possesses?"

"Duh. They're mine."

"How can we be assured of your loyalties?"

"I've got a pretty convincing reason to stick around with the Order," Rinka says, false innocence laced into his voice. He doesn't need to make it obvious for Yukio to know what reason he means. "That, and Satan is an absolute nut. Why would I help him destroy a world I haven't even gotten to enjoy yet?"

The feminine one frowns. "That may be true, but it doesn't stop you from acting on your own whims."

"As if you could stop me?" The demon snorts, grinning. "You barely had control of him, what makes you think you have any way of controlling me? Just let me do what I want, and I'll even help you out a bit on the front lines."

He can feel the tension in the room, the invisible battle being waged between the Grigori and Rinka. The Order has the vast advantage of numbers and experience, but Rinka still stands strong. He is comfortable in his skin in a way that Rin never was, never seemed to be able to be, and something about that is sickening and depressing enough to drain whatever energy he has left.

If this turns into a battle, he doesn't know what he'll do.

He is tired, and he can't keep fighting anymore.

It's all he can think as his vision blurs, and something about the world seems to shift violently- he can't keep fighting, and going back to sleep feels much, much easier.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Ch 5 is here :D

"...did something... him!"

"I didn't... thing!"

"...expect me to trust you?!"

Yukio blinks awake, frowning instinctively as the sound of heated arguing reaches his ears. He forces himself back into awareness and tries to get a better look of what’s around him- he recognizes the familiar setting of a hospital- no, the nurse's ward within True Cross. He sees two figures in the room. He can pick out Shura's bright red hair in seconds, and then Rinka's telltale white soon after.

He makes himself sit up, the paper beneath him on the observation table crinkling as he does so. A hand against his eyes makes him realize that his blurred vision wasn't a result of passing out, this time, but because his glasses were missing. He reaches a hand out to try to find them, only to hit calloused fingers. Yukio looks to his side, confused, and there Shura stands, handing him his glasses with an equal parts concerned and angry expression on her face.

"You okay?" She asks, quiet.

"I-" His voice crackles, and he quickly swallows to clear his throat. "Yes, I'm fine. What happened?"

"Ya passed out durin' the meeting," Shura says, distastefully.

"Again, nothing to do with me!" Rinka cuts in.

She only glares at him. "Bullshit! You had it out for him ever since ya got here! Ya might not've done it yourself, but ya certainly didn't help!"

"It's not my fault he has a guilty conscience!"

He can tell this argument has been going on for a while, likely started long before he woke up. Yukio tries to tune them out in favor of putting his glasses carefully back on his face, but then Shura's hands are tight around his shoulders, and he startles as she kneels down in front of him. The look on her face is unbearably intense.

"Listen," She starts, and the seriousness of her tone has him freezing in place. "Ya fucked up, alright? Ya made a mistake, and now Rin is dead. Yer a kid, and yer gonna keep fuckin' things up as long as yer alive. But there's payin' the consequences of a fuck up, and then there's- whatever this is!"

She reaches down to grab his hands, squeezes them tight.

"You don't have to put up with him," Shura says. "You don't deserve this."

"How can you say that?" He pulls his hands away, curls into himself. After everything he's done, how can she just call this latest sin a 'mistake'? What he did, it- it wasn't an accident. He knew it wasn't. Sure, he hadn't meant to kill Rin, but did he ever really fear the thought of Rin dying? Did he ever try to avoid the possibility?

No. He never did. Not in the classroom after Shiro's death, not in the fight against Hachirotaro, not when he left with the Illuminati, and never even once in all the time after that. He'd been running out his luck with no thought as to when it would end, until it was too late. He'd fucked up, again, but he'd gone too far this time. There wasn't any coming back from this.

Not even Rin could forgive him for this mistake.

"See? It's not like he ever told me to stop!" Rinka hisses. "He's a freak. He wants this, so why should I feel bad?"

"No, he doesn't!" Shura snaps.

"Then why don'tcha ask him, huh? See what he wants!"

Shura's heavy gaze turns to him, and he fights back the flinch. It's more than uncomfortable. He feels like his skin is crawling, and he almost just wants to cry again. He knows she won't like what he has to say.

"He's Rin," Yukio murmurs, reluctantly. "If this is his revenge, then- then I deserve it, don't I?"

She blinks, utterly bewildered and angry, before shooting to her feet. "Ya think Rin wants this? Ya think he ever wanted to see ya like this, to hurt you just 'cause it'd make him feel better? When has that _ever_ been the Rin we knew?!"

His eyes sting harsher with tears, his fists clenched tight. "How can I say that it's not?!"

"Because yer projecting!!" She damn near shouts. "Ya still have this- this _stupid_ idea in yer head that yer evil, but yer not! Yer a kid, Yukio! A child!!"

"If you think about it, he's actually eighte-"

" _I will impale the shit outta you if ya don't shut up!"_

"Hey, hey, woah! Stand down, tiger!"

The three of them startle at the new voice, and look up to see the former exwire cohort standing in the door. Shima was at the forefront, holding his hands up placatingly as the attention shifts to him.

"Think you guys can chill out long enough for us to come visit?" He asks, nervously smiling.

It takes a second, but Rinka and Shura slowly back away from each other, and the tension lessens. Shura still keeps herself stubbornly between himself and Rinka, even as the group of teens shuffle their way in. Shima, their group's proverbial social shield with Rin gone, takes point in front of the others, pulling over the nurse's spinning chair to sit himself down in. While Miwa and Suguro settle down close to each other, Kamiki stands by the door.

Shiemi, however, makes a beeline straight for him.

Her arms pull tight around his neck as she hugs him close, bringing the soft scent of herbs and conditioner. He freezes as she does so- he can feel eyes on him, the burning gaze of Rinka -but he can't... honestly remember the last time someone had hugged him. Shiemi holds him close, holds him tight, and before he can really stop himself, he finds his own arms circling around her waist.

She lets out a breath and squeezes him, and he lets his eyes close, lets himself lean into the embrace. It loosens something tight in his chest, and the fight against the tears becomes a lot harder, and a lot more tempting to just give up on.

Shura's hand is warm and reassuring where it rubs against his back, and as Shiemi finally pulls back, he can see the cohort politely looking away. Miwa is still standing somewhat behind Suguro, and though he may have looked to be hiding, Yukio knew better. Miwa's eyes were sharp on Rinka, who looked entirely too relaxed for the suspicious looks that were being thrown his way.

Yukio hoped a fight wouldn't break out again.

"So," Shima starts, blissfully breaking the silence. "We thought it was just a rumor, but... you're really the demon guy, huh?"

He raises an unimpressed eyebrow. "Yeah. And it's Rinka."

"Rinka." Shima chuckles. Sweat visibly drips down the back of his neck.

"How is that even possible?" Miwa murmurs, brows furrowing.

_"I'm so glad you asked, my dear~!"_

It's a little toy on the floor that speaks, one that startles them all. A little Mephisto animatronic waddles in, metal face twisted into one of the demon king's signature grins. It waves about a wand in short, jerky motions, with a voice that sounds damn near demonically high pitched and robotic.

"Now that is just fucked up." Shima whispers, horrified.

_"This is a pre-recorded message from yours truly, the magnificent Sir Johann Faust!"_ The robot chirps. _"Don't ask how I appeared, because I don't know either! On with the lecture~!_

_"You see, demons are biologically incapable of reproduction! Children born of a demon and a human are actually byproducts of the human and the human host! So, genetically, they are human. But, with reproduction between the humans, that child's demon ego is born in Gehenna! The child is made up of two halves of a whole- both human, and demon!"_

Miwa looks enthralled. Suguro, however, looks about two seconds from murder. "I see! If they're two halves, then how can they coexist without each other?"

_"A good question!"_

"I thought this was pre-recorded." Kamiki says, suspicious.

"I bet the clown is talking through it." Shura huffs.

_"I can neither confirm nor deny that statement!"_ The robot gives a wink of it's eye. _"However, Rinka-kun is a special case! The two halves aren't usually able to exist without each other. However, due to his splitting from Rin as an alternate consciousness, he weathered the blow of the fracture!"_

"Of course I did." Rinka scoffs. "I'm not as weak as-"

_"And this ends the pre-recorded message! Au revoir!"_

With a poof of pink, the robot disappears, leaving them once more in stunned silence.

Miwa is the first to speak, rubbing at his chin. "It certainly explains why half demons aren't able to be possessed..."

"What it doesn't explain is why that ass is still here." Kamiki turns a harsh glare to Rinka. "Isn't it time for you to get back to whatever hole you crawled out of?"

He sneers. "What are you gonna do if I don't? Exorcise me? Over my dead body- aw, wait! Imagine that!"

"Hey! Chill out, we're here to check on teach!" Shima cuts in. The mediator role isn't one that fits him, but they quiet all the same, if only for the shuffling sounds of other people outside the nurse's office.

"I'm fine." Yukio murmurs. He's not, really. He feels more exhausted than he can properly put into words, but the thought of being coddled and babied right now is one he doesn't want to come to life. "I'm ready to go."

"Not back to yer dorm." Shura says, sharply. "Someone needs to keep an eye on ya."

"He can stay with me and Shima!"

He looks to Shiemi, surprised. She flushes a bit, but stays firm.

"I have plenty of room in the house." She says, a bit awkwardly, but no less impassioned. "It could be like a sleep over?"

"Good, it's decided then," Shura nods and stands, crossing her arms. "I'll get yer stuff from yer dorm, you can go back with them."

_Do I get a say in this?_ Yukio thinks tiredly. There's no point in protesting it, really. Shura already had her mind made up, and Shiemi was already taking his hand in her own, fingers soft around his.

It looked like he was having a sleepover, then.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the late update, I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> chapter warnings: character meltdown, emotional/mental distress

"Take this, Yuki."

In seconds, Yukio has a blanket drawn up around his shoulders and a warm mug of tea in his hands. Shiemi frets about the kitchen, gathering up a last minute dinner after sternly placing him down at the kotatsu. Shima sits just by his side, one of Shiemi's romance manga splayed across the wooden table for him to read.

It's peacefully quiet, save for the sounds of Shiemi in the kitchen and the turning of a book. It should be relaxing, really. It was calm, there was no Rinka hovering about his shoulders, and he was still tired despite his impromptu nap from earlier. He should've been fine. But Shura hadn't come by yet, his hands were still shaking, and Yukio was feeling rather like his saved up 18 years of karma were finally crashing down on him.

Shima folds the corner of his manga, and closes the book.

"That guy seemed like an ass." He says, neutrally.

Yukio opens his mouth, then closes it. He doesn't know how he should respond to that, and so he doesn't. Just holds the cup of tea closer to his face, lets the steam fog up his glasses a bit.

"Kinda makes you wanna punch the guy in the mouth, huh?"

"What are you trying to say?" Yukio asks, quietly. Playing word games sounds more than exhausting, right now.

"Why don't you?" Shima counters, smiling wryly. "Punch him in the mouth? Certainly be within your rights, I think."

"Because-" His breath hitches on it. He closes his mouth then, and swallows down the emotion, tightening his hold on the mug. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't have an explanation. Maybe Rinka was right- maybe he was a masochist. Maybe he was sick, and enjoyed being treated like this. It certainly would fit in with just about everything else, wouldn't it?

Yukio wasn't stupid. He knew he wasn't a good person. He was violent, and unstable, and envious and hateful of everyone. He was ugly, deep down. Somewhere along the line, he'd turned into a coiling mass of insecurities and grudges that he was tangled deep in to get out of, and only got further entwined into with every passing second.

He doesn't realize he's crying again until Shiemi presses up against his side, and Shima scoots over on his knees to do the same, before taking Yukio's cup to set it aside. The tears fall heavier and faster, then, and his throat aches with the force of the sob that comes up and out. Their touch burns him, like a blinding light thrown on in a dark room.

"Talk to us, Yuki." Shiemi murmurs, a hand at his back. "What's going on?"

"I don't want to feel like this." It rushes forward before he can stop it, ragged and cracking. He chokes on a sob, ragged and broken. "I don't want to _be_ like this anymore!"

The dam breaks, and it's all he can think. He hates himself. He's hated himself for so long, he can't even remember when he started.

He wants to good. He wants to be kind. He wants to be normal.

He wants to be anyone but Yukio. He wants Rin back. He wants to apologize. He wants to go back and stop any of this from ever happening, but he can't, because this is real life, and he is Okumura Yukio, and he really, really would be better off dead instead of Rin.

* * *

"You don't have to be like anything, y'know." Shima mentions. "You can change whenever you want. Just... start being different, and soon enough, it'll be you."

He's not sure when exactly he ended up on the floor. At some point, laying down just felt much better than staying sitting up, and so the transition was made. Shiemi is busily tucking the blanket underneath him, as if wrapping him up in the fabric would somehow push all the negative emotions right out. He's grateful for it, somewhere in the haze of _tired drained empty_ that settled over him.

Yukio breathes a little laugh out of his nose, eyes dry and sore as he looks up at the ceiling. "Is it that easy?"

"No," Shima smiles a bit, and reaches over to pull his glasses off. He seems to follow familiar motions as he takes up a cold, damp cloth and lays it across Yukio's eyes. "But it's a start."

He feels more than a little ridiculous, bundled up and practically blindfolded now, but not nearly enough to find the energy to resist. That, and the blanket is warm, the cloth is cool against his post-crying eyes, and... well, maybe he likes being coddled, just this once.

"The human body replaces all its' cells every seven years, right? People change all the time. You're not even the same person you were seven years ago." Shima continues, idly.

With his eyes closed, all Yukio really has left to do is think about what Shima said. It's something he knew, obviously, that the body replaces cells frequently. To say that he's not the same person he was seven years ago wasn't exactly correct, but in a way, he isn't, is he?

He tries to imagine himself at eleven years old, halfway through his career and rapidly losing faith in himself. He imagines that his younger self would be horrified to know him, to know that everything in his life just led him to become... _this._ He's horrified to know himself, too. It seems almost impossible to change so much of himself. But he tries to imagine himself in the future.

Could he be happy? Could he be kind? Could he be healthy, and normal, and good? He wants to. He wants to be different so badly that it burns, to be someone worthy of Rin's forgiveness, and Shiro's, and everyone else he's wronged.

More than anything, he wants to be able to look back on himself in seven years, and know he made the right choice. If it takes a step forward to get him on the path to being better, then this is the first choice he needs to make, right? To make that step.

"Are you doing alright, Yuki?" Shiemi asks him. Her hands have stilled at his sides, apparently satisfied with how tightly he's wrapped up.

"Yeah," he finds himself saying. It's something he's said on instinct more times than he can count, but for once, he really means it. "Better."

"What are you going to do about Rinka, then?"

Yukio hesitates a bit at that. He doesn't know what to do, really. It makes him uncomfortable to think of asking for their advice, but, well, they'd already seen him at his worst, right? Multiple times, actually. They won't judge him for it, he tells himself. It'll be fine. So, he pulls the cloth off of his eyes and sits up a bit, giving Shiemi an apologetic look as it loosens the blanket's hold around him.

"What do you think I should do?" He asks, neither of them in particular.

"Punch him." Shima suggests.

"Shima!" Shiemi admonishes, giggling.

"What? It's what brothers do! Duke it out!"

_Brothers, huh?_ He guessed they were technically brothers, in the most literal sense. Rinka was right- he was Rin, just... a different version, in a way. What would he do if he and Rin were having a fight?

"I should talk to him," Yukio says aloud, slowly. Shima and Shiemi quiet themselves to listen. "And hear him out, and apologize."

Shiemi immediately purses her lips, clearly unhappy. "He... doesn't seem like he'll make it very fair."

"And what do you even have to apologize to him for?" Shima asked, equally as confused as she is unhappy.

Yukio thinks back on every conversation he's had with Rinka thus far- _"I like seeing you suffer."_ -and can't help but agree, just a little. The demon seems to have a vested interest in making him feel, well, awful.

"Maybe it'll help things?" He wonders. "If he hears it, it'll make him happier?"

Shima sighs, leaning his chin onto his hand. "Still rubs me the wrong way, though. You shouldn't have to apologize to a guy who seems like he's just gonna rub it in your face."

"And he's not the one you hurt." Shiemi adds, albeit gently.

"It just... feels like the right thing to do." Yukio finally confesses. He doesn't know why exactly he thinks it'll work, or why exactly he should apologize, but something about it feels right, like the right way forward. Even if Rinka wasn't truly Rin, and the demon would probably just laugh in his face, he felt like he should do it anyways.

Put everything out on the table one last time. It's something he should've done, years ago. He should've been honest with Rin about how he felt, and tried to hear his brother out too. It's in the past now, though. Rin is dead, as much as it hurts to admit. He can't do the right thing for Rin now.

But he can for Rinka.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO I'M SO SORRY, I didn't realize I forgot to update this for four days oh my God, I apologize profusely! The final chapter is here, and I'm so excited to bring it to you all. This is my first multi chaptered fic that I've finished before, and so it has a particularly special place in my heart. I thought really hard about the ending, and what to write that would seem both satisfying and true to the mood of the piece, and I hope that what I bring to you today does so.
> 
> Thank you so much for tagging along in this journey! I hope you enjoyed the read, and that this is a fulfilling end for you all as well <3

"Sorry I couldn't come by last night." Shura grunts.

It's early in the morning when she finally comes around, still dark enough outside that Yukio has to squint to see her. He pulls himself up to sitting in the pile of blankets they'd thrown together in the living room, trying not to rouse Shiemi or Shima. Shura plops herself down on the floor, dropping his duffel bag next to herself.

"Vatican called me up." She sighs, throwing her hair out of her face. She doesn't look like she's gotten a wink of sleep, still in pajamas with a hot coffee in her hands.

"About what?" He asks idly. Yukio takes his glasses up off of the floor, trying to blink the sleep out of his eyes as he slots them into place. He can see the lines of tension and irritation in her body now, and frowns.

Shura looks reluctant, and waits a minute before she answers. "About Rinka. They want..."

She stops, and Yukio's frown deepens. "They want what?"

"They want yer vote of confidence," she finally says, distastefully. "That he's trustworthy."

Oh.

Well, he supposes that makes sense. He’s had the most extended contact with Rinka over the years, and he probably has best gauge of what the demon’s character is like. He understands that much. 

What he’s conflicted on is how exactly to answer. Yukio still acutely remembers when Rinka was first settling into the body, and all he could think was that he wanted the Vatican to exorcise him. But wouldn’t that just add to the ever growing list of ways that he’s wronged Rin? To deny his other half the chance of even experiencing life? No. He made his choice, and he wasn’t going to change his mind just because an easier path was presented to him. 

Rin deserves better than that. 

“Yes,” he says, finally. “He deserves a chance, I think.”

Shura scowls, immediately. “Tell me this isn’t some kinda social self flagellation shit.”

“No! I- why did you have to put it so crassly?” He frowns at her, but then her scowl lightens up into something more teasing. Yukio scoffs, but she’s grinning, and he can’t really resist the urge to smile either. 

“Just... tell me that yer doin’ this because you want to.” She says, and there’s a kind of rawness there that draws him up short for a second. 

He thinks of her- defending him from Rinka, picking fights over him, arguing against the Vatican for him, rescuing him from destroying his life further after the Illuminati -and softens. He’s never really stopped to think about it, but somewhere along the line, Shura had become something much more than just an annoying coworker. 

She wasn’t a replacement for Rin, of course, no one could be. But he found that there was a spot somewhere inside him for her, right next to where Rin had been, and it hums a little bit when she gives him that stern look. 

“Because if the guy is pressurin’ you into this somehow, I’m gonna kick his ass again.” She continues. 

He can’t help the chuckle. “Again?”

“Yes, again.” Shura says, pointedly. “So?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I want to.”

“Good. Because I managed to ditch him on the way here, but I’m pretty sure he knows the address.”

* * *

Rinka does, eventually, find Shiemi’s house. It’s long after they’d already eaten breakfast, and the other three are lounging about the kotatsu when Yukio sees him. He stands wordlessly, and manages to get out of the house without any of its other occupants seeing him. 

Rinka raises an eyebrow, when he closes the front door behind him. 

“You want a rematch, or something?” The demon asks. 

Yukio has a sudden, vivid flashback of Rinka crouched over him, snapping his glasses in two, and can’t help the shiver that goes down his spine. 

“No,” he says, a little dryly. “You made your point last time.”

Rinka nods, but something about him still looks unsettled. “Good. Then what do you want?”

Yukio takes in a breath, and mentally goes over the lines he’d planned out. “I wanted to apologize, for... for killing Rin. I know you’re not him, exactly, but... another version of him deserves the apology just as much.”

“...what?” Rinka, for once, looks stunned. His eyes are wide, before they narrow suspiciously. “This doesn’t fix anything, you know. You’re still guilty.”

It hurts, but it’s nothing he isn’t already aware of. “I know.”

“I- You’re not forgiven, either!”

“I know that, too.” He nods. “I still mean it. Whether I’m forgiven or not, I am sorry. And I want to make things right, if you’ll let me.”

Something stunned and angry twists Rinka’s expression, his fists clenching and unclenching by his sides as if he’s debating whether or not to punch him. Yukio hopes he’ll choose not to- he won’t be mad if Rinka does, but it certainly would be a pain to ice. 

The hands around his neck are a surprise, though. 

He blinks once and suddenly his back is against the door, and Rinka’s eyes are blazing in front of him. 

“What’s wrong with you?” He demands. “What the hell changed? Go back to the way you were! Stop pulling this- this nice guy act!”

Yukio tries to get his fingers under Rinka’s grip, but the demon is relentless. “I- I’m not-!”

“That’s the shit I always hated about you, you know? All you ever do is lie, and act, and sneak around! You’re a filthy coward and I hate it. Can't you just be honest for once?!" The demon hisses.

"I am!" He can feel his knuckles pop with the force it takes to pull Rinka's hands loose, but finally, he can get a breath in. His chest haves with it, partly to get his lungs working again, and partly with desperation. "I've never meant anything more in my life! I'm tired of being like this and- and hurting everyone! I want to do the right thing for once."

"And what if this is just your guilty conscience, huh? What if you're just doing this to make yourself feel better?"

He swallows, and hesitates. "I don't know. Not really, but I want to try anyways. I just... have to trust that someone will tell me if I'm doing it wrong."

"Oh trust me, I will." Rinka promises, near violent in his forcefulness. "I will be waiting for you to fuck up."

It's a concession.

They both realize it at the same time- Yukio, with a flush of hope in his chest, and Rinka, with a shocked and then embarrassed scowl. Even so, Yukio is let go, and he awkwardly rubs at the collar of his shirt as Rinka glares at him.

"...I'm giving the Vatican my vote of trust. In you." He offers. "I mean it. I know it's too late for Rin, but it's not for you."

Rinka startles, but even as his eyes widen, he pulls the scowl back onto his face. Yukio's words rocked him, though, and that fact is undeniable.

"If you're expecting a thank you, you're not getting it." Rinka says, after a moment. "Not for a while."

"That's fine." He finds himself saying.

To his surprise, he means it. Though he searched for answers so eagerly before, now he feels more... settled. Secure. Whatever he is sentenced with, he will have worked for it, he knows. He'll earn his way to forgiveness, or to damnation, but either way, he won't let himself be a passive player anymore. He won't be a victim to himself anymore.

"I can wait."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and criticisms are always appreciated! I would also appreciate any recommendations on additions or changes for tags.


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